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The Rabid Monkey Phenomenon March 13, 2009

Posted by flightdeparting in Love, Relationships.
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The Rabid Monkey Phenomenon

Damn monkeys.

About a year ago in Thailand, my friends and I signed up for a day tour of Phuket’s islands. With all the tropical fish, isolated islands, and crystal clear waters surrounding us, I was more relaxed than I’d ever been. This would cost me later because at about mid-day our speedboat stopped at the aptly named Monkey island.

So you’re probably thinking, “Oh cute! Monkeys. They must be fun to play with.” In which case, you thought WRONG. Being the genius I am, and perhaps a bit cocky from the handful of sliced bananas in my hand, I quickly made my way toward the shrieking mass of monkeys, hoping to get a picture of myself feeding one of the babies. Next thing I knew, I had a giant screaming fur-ball latched onto my leg by the teeth.

My survival instincts overwhelmed my desire for dignity and I started running around the beach screaming, trying to get the distinctively not-a-baby monkey off of my leg. After a few seconds of flailing unsuccessfully, I made beeline for the water. Right as I jumped in, the monkey hopped off and ran back to his friends (probably to make fun of that idiot human he’d just terrorized).

I, on the other hand, was sitting alone in the water with sand up my butt and a bewildered look on my face.

So what the hell does this have to do with relationships?

Every girl I’ve dated has fallen head over heels for me at the beginning. [A: Because, he’s tall, bald, and handsome. Oh, yes, and ladies, he’s single.] There’s always some initial signal of inordinately deserved affection that’s both off-putting and endearing at the same time. Such examples include gems like, “I’m sad because I’ll probably never see you again” (Said after one week), and “I need to treat you like an asshole because I’m afraid I’m falling for you” (Said after two days). Now most guys would run like a Kenyan at the sound of these phrases, but I blame the endorphins-after-sex for the stupid decisions that lead me to sticking around. So I tend to be pretty complacent when things are just getting started.

The ironic part is that just when I actually start to feel the same way and express the same sentiments, the girl becomes cold. Right when I’m ready to dive into the water, she runs away. (You’re starting to see where this is going now, eh?)

And I’m left sitting alone in the water with sand up my butt and a bewildered look on my face.

A few weeks after the monkey biting incident, my friends told me that the monkey might have had rabies and that I should go see a doctor. If it wasn’t enough that the monkey had destroyed my chances of wooing any of the girls I was traveling with (apparently screaming “Oh my god, it’s biting me! Get it off! Get it off!” isn’t the best aphrodisiac), I now had to go through a series of vaccine shots into my gut.

So we have two lessons from this:

1) Even if someone really likes you at the beginning, that doesn’t mean they always will. Figure your shit out quick because you can’t rely on them having those same feelings forever.
2) Even if they’re attached permanently to your leg, that doesn’t mean they don’t have any diseases. Wrap that sh*t up. Needles are painful.

Term of the Day

rabid monkey [rab-id] [muhng-kee]
– noun
1. A person who is initially extremely dedicated to the relationship but becomes less so when the partner begins to express the same feelings.

[A’s Comments: This monkey wasn’t rabid–it was smart.  Anytime that a person is less than lukewarm to you (*cough*, Frankie), my advice is don’t bother entertaining the thought that they’re a Mr. Darcy.  Just tell them to figure their sh*t out and move on to the next.  But for more thoughts on this, please see future entry on The Ham and Eggs Debate.]

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