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Darcy Syndrome March 22, 2009

Posted by flightdeparting in Love, Relationships, Women (Venutians).
Tags: , , , , ,
5 comments
The Mythical Pretend Asshole

Mr. Darcy

In high school I had a huge crush on this girl named Lisa.  She was tall, gorgeous, and most importantly intellectual.  She consumed books like candy, wove words like a needle and thread, and had me wrapped around her finger.  So when she told me to promise her that I’d read Pride and Prejudice, I couldn’t refuse.  She loved this book and always had it close to her heart so I assumed that it’d give me some insight into her mind, and hey, maybe a way into her pants.  But when I started reading it, all I could think of was, “How can anyone like this bullsh*t?”

I would only begin to understand this a few years down the road.

Almost every woman I’ve ever met has loved Pride and Prejudice.  Could it be the Victorian elegance?  The luxurious culture?  The fancy balls?  Nay, it’s Mr. Darcy. For those of you who are (thankfully) unfamiliar, Mr. Darcy is the book’s primary love interest.

Essentially the storyline goes like this: Mr. Darcy meets Liz.  Mr. Darcy is a dick to Liz.  Liz is pissed off by Mr. Darcy but is still intrigued.  Mr. Darcy continues to be a dick to Liz.  Liz ensnares Mr. Darcy with her feminine wiles.  Mr. Darcy reveals his true side and is actually a lovely, caring, nice guy and his dick personality was actually a protective facade.

Sound familiar?  It should.  It’s the same storyline for every chick flick ever made.  Pride and Prejudice is the ancestral origin of the modern romantic comedy.  And for good reason.  Mr. Darcy is the embodiment of the ultimate female fantasy.

Women always complain that there are no nice guys out there.  But of course, this isn’t the case.  [A: Most women know this, but most women also have the Cleopatra Complex–we’re queens of denial.] There are lots of them, it’s just that women prefer someone of a more inconsiderate nature.  Women ultimately want to change an a**hole into a nice guy through their relationship.  In a way, it’s a badge of honor.  If a woman does manage to find the softer side of a dickish personality (no pun intended), she’s done something that no other female has been able to do.  And people ask why the a**hats always get the girls.  The bad boys are their challenge to overcome.  The nice guys are supposed to be the end result — not the starting point.

Here’s the problem, though: Mr. Darcy doesn’t exist.  An a**hole is an a**hole is an a**hole.  Sure, maybe he used to be a nice guy, but now he’s an inconsiderate douche.  Guys don’t start out like this, nor do they spontaneously transform into dicks.  It’s a slow process of realization that leads them to learn that the nice guys really do finish last.  And when they realize that being an a**hole does help them gain the interest of women, there’s no turning him back to the nice guy.  It’s a one-way process.

So what now?  Are women doomed to forever be with either the nonchalant asshole or the undesirable nice guy?  No.  It’s just a matter of balance.  We all have a level of toleration for asinine behavior.  You just have to find the guy who has just enough of it not to be the pushover nice guy and still not be a full blown a**hole.  Happy hunting!

Term of the Day

Darcy Syndrome [dar-see] [sin-drome]
– noun

1. Wherein a woman mistakenly believes that she can change a man with a**hole-like behavior into a considerate gentleman

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Seinfeld is to Men, what Carrie (and Sex in the City) is to Women March 19, 2009

Posted by anoddphrase in Love, Men (Martians), Relationships, Women (Venutians).
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2 comments

Y’know that episode in Seinfeld about the ‘jimmy legs’ or the leg twitching at night?  Okay, if you don’t, it goes something like: Kramer (one of the funny, awkward characters) enjoys sleeping with this woman, Emily, but he doesn’t actually enjoy SLEEPING with her.  The show shows him unable to sleep all night in the same bed as her because her leg twitches.  Kramer goes to his friend Elaine talking about his problem.  The sex is GREAT, but the sleeping, not so much.  Elaine tells him to talk to Emily about it.  He does and a reluctant Emily agrees to try sleeping in their separate apartment beds.  Kramer does the next night (awkwardly jumping out of bed immediately after sex), comfortably settling into his own bed, only to think neurotically that a neighbor jiggling his doorknob at night is the infamous cat burglar–and he is unable to sleep again.  The next night, he asks Emily if they can go back on their agreement, because of the cat burglar–Emily refuses.  She’s had much better sleep without him, too.  She says he screams a little in his sleep.

Hilarious, right?  No wonder Seinfeld went on for so long.  But I tell this story to my boyfriend one night when we’re grabbing dessert in a little pastry place down the street and he thinks it’s amazing (never having watched Seinfeld before).  I can see the realization dawning on his face: that this is something that probably sums up our two-year relationship for him.

According to him, I don’t just twitch in my sleep–I run a marathon in my sleep.  Kicking, rolling, pouncing, punching.  Supposedly, I’ve woken him up, not once, but several times by rolling and hitting him square in the face with a whack of my elbow.  You think, it’s funny, right?  Because I have almost no memory of this, passing out again supposedly immediately after apologizing.  But, I think, after several months of this, it becomes drastically less funny.  At least for my poor boyfriend who sleeps next to me every night in a queen-sized bed at 6’2″, 190 lbs.  For a girl who’s only 5’2″ and 115 lbs, it’s pretty hilarious to say that I can defend my side of the bed in sleep quite sufficiently, but the queen-sized bed barely fits the boyfriend when he’s alone.

And so.  The epiphany that has hit almost every male in America hit him then.  The comedy, Seinfeld, sums up almost every heterosexual man’s view on relationships.

I know the heterosexual women that are reading this entry are thinking: seriously?  That’s what sums up relationships to guys?  Yes, the show about nothing.  That, I think, is what sums up hetero-mens’ view on relationships.  Here’s the equation:

Sex + the quirks that come with relationships = Seinfeld = hetero men.

Now, women, we’re thinking, Jesus Christ, really?  Our lives are so much more complicated than that.  Because, our equation looks more like:

Shoes + make-up + bags + pantyhose (or no pantyhose? do I look like a tramp when I don’t wear pantyhose??…) + hair + hair product + shampoo + perfume + a subscription to Vogue  + a subscription to Times magazine (because men are attracted by looks but stay because of our looks and intelligence) + yoga classes + to smoke or not to smoke (it looks sexy, but god, those wrinkles) + are we getting wrinkles? + should I shave my legs tonight? + is it skanky to do the deed on the first date? + what deed? what base? + ….

Need I go on?  It’s pretty much an endless soup of questions and problems for women when it comes to relationship.

How Women View Relationships = Sex and the City.  To see more on this, you should go out and rent Sex and the City (all of the seasons) on Netflix or from Blockbuster.  Because there’s simply too much to talk about in that show.  It’s simply the contrast of how most men view relationships (as pretty simple, pretty quirky) versus how most women view relationships.

So the lessons we have from this are:

1) Women are complicated.  We just are.  We have a lot going on.  Men, please just understand.  Take that step back when you know you’re about to say something crazy (like “Dear Lord, you are crazy, woman…”) and just let it go.  It will help you in the long run.
2) Men… view relationships simply.  At least the heterosexual men that I know.  They just do.  Ladies, let’s just take that same step back and try to understand that, too.  Though, frankly–you got me.

Terms of the Day

Seinfeld [sīnfěld]
– proper noun, television show
1. A school of thought as to how men view relationships simply and with amusing, anecdotal-worthy quirks.
Carrie [ka-rē] / Sex and the City [sěks-nd-st]
– proper noun, television show
1. A school of thought as to how women view relationships neurotically, obsessively, and on HBO.

[Frankie’s Comments: I would say Entourage is S&C for men, but this seems to be more fitting than I thought.]

Kramer v. Carrie?

Kramer v. Carrie?

Dunkin’ Donuts vs. Krispy Kremes March 17, 2009

Posted by flightdeparting in Love, Relationships, Women (Venutians).
Tags: , , ,
4 comments
Krispy Kreme vs. Dunkin' Donuts

Choose wisely.

Since the dawn of time, man has chased after two types of women.  Well, maybe the dawn of time is a bit of a hyperbole.  It’s probably closer to when they could wrap their dongs and not leave a horrible mistake.  Let’s start over, shall we?

Since the time when man could wrap his dong and not receive a horrible baby-shaped-mistake nine months down the line, he has chased after two types of women: the Krispy Kreme and the Dunkin’ Donut.  These two are polar opposites, black vs. white, Yin vs. Yang, people who wear Crocs vs. anyone who isn’t a fucking retard.  Now let’s break it down.

Krispy Kremes are the ultimate donuts.  They are light, fluffy, and just plain sugary perfection.  I have, on occasion downed an entire baker’s dozen in one go.  Shortly after, I had a mini-coronary. More significantly though, I wouldn’t think about them again for months on end.

Krispy Kremes (KK) are the women every man dreams of.  They are the ones that knock you off your feet the moment they enter the room.  They are gorgeous, impulsive, adventurous, and like a part of God’s practical joke–mostly high maintenance.  These are the women that cause empires to crumble (A: Helen of Troy, Cleopatra, Elizabeth Taylor, Angelina Jolie) and men to go bankrupt.  Every man wants one, but eventually can’t handle them.

Dunkin’ Donuts are the kind of donuts that you wake up to every day. They become part of a ritual. You have one with your morning cup of coffee, and your day starts off with a stride. You do this for months on end, every weekday, and it becomes almost second nature.

Dunkin’ Donuts (DD) are the kind of woman you don’t mind waking up to every morning (A: Jennifer Aniston).  They aren’t amazing but they’re consistently good.  They’re nice, they fulfill your needs to an extent, but they only meet the quota — they don’t tend to exceed it. But after a while it gets boring and thoughts start drifting off to finding yourself a Krispy Kreme to knock boots with.

John F. Kennedy is the perfect embodiment of the conflict between man’s desire for both a DD and a KK. Jackie Kennedy was the perfect housewife. She was cultured, beautiful, and intelligent. She was the ideal housewife, which ironically, made her dull after a while. A prototypical DD. On the other hand Marilyn Monroe was the paradigm of KKs. She was a firecracker – smoking hot, unpredictable, impulsive, and utterly uncontrollable. She threatened to unravel JFK’s life. Despite this, JFK was helpless to resist her charms.

It’s a cycle of self destruction for men. Our tastes rotate between the stable but mediocre DDs and the unpredictable but explosive KKs.  In the end though, all we can hope for is someone who keeps our interest but won’t leave us in shambles by the end of the relationships.  Like the great scribe, Ludacris, once said, “We want a lady on the street, but a freak in the bed.”*  Unfortunately, this DD-KK hybrid doesn’t exist.  So take your pick gentlemen.  Death by either boredom or bankruptcy.

Term of the Day

Krispy Kreme [krsp krm]
-noun, yummy donut store
1. A woman who is incredibly hot, but is impulsive, unstable, high maintainance and likely to lead to ruin.

Dunkin’ Donut [dngk-in dnt]
-noun, yummy donut store
1. A woman who is nice and meets all requirements on paper, but is otherwise dull, lifeless, and brings no excitement later in the relationship.

*”Yeah!” by Usher, ft. Ludacris and Lil’ Jon

[A’s Comments:
Please feel free to take offense at this analogy, females.  I certainly do.  Though, I certainly can’t help but see some underlying truth here, as well..]